Shout out to Michael Bay

Today, I would like to send a shout out to Michael Bay. By continually producing/directing mindless films that are utterly devoid of content, originality, character development, and morality, you bring down the intelligence quota of the country and thereby make it so much easier for my Evil Cohorts and I to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Furthermore, by raping nostalgic franchises, such as Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you weaken the spirits of those who grew up in the 80′s and 90′s, and make them believe that absolutely nothing is sacred.

Thank you, Michael Bay and Perpetuators of Stupidity everywhere, for your ongoing efforts and support of this un-noble cause!

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Kram Sheldon: Evil Mastermind, Schemer of Nefarious Deeds, and Vice-President of the Evil Warlords’ Knitting Club.

Shout-out to Intellectual Snobs

Today, I would like to send a shout out to intellectual snobs everywhere.  By confusing intelligence with having your head up your ass, you make other people not want to be intelligent, and thereby make it easier for me to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Thank you, Perpetuators of Stupidity, for your ongoing efforts and support of this un-noble cause!

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Kram Sheldon: Evil Mastermind, Schemer of Nefarious Deeds, and Vice-President of the Evil Warlords’ Knitting Club.

Shout-out To The Idiots in Front of The Post Office

Today, I would like to send a shout out to those very special individuals who like to post themselves in front of the Post Office, sing the National Anthem with tears in their eyes, and compare Barak Obama to Adolf Hitler. You make my job of WORLD DOMINATION so much easier, I don’t even know where to begin.  But I will give it a shot.

• By comparing Barak Obama to the man who was primarily responsible for the deaths of six million people, you contribute to making people forget what REAL evil is, as well as encourage people to forget what one of the most tragic events in History REALLY was about, and thereby allow my Evil Cohorts and I to commence our nefarious deeds unencombered.

• By spreading this belief that Socialism and Fascism are the same thing, you encourage the un-enlightenment that so-called “educated” people who have actually read history textbooks spend so much time fighting against.  Since these “educated” people also spend so much time thwarting the efforts of myself and my Evil Cohorts, anything that makes their lives harder and encourages less people to be like them is a good thing in my book.

• By protesting Evil Socialism in front of one of the primary examples of a Socialist institution in America (that incidentally was established by the nation’s Forefathers), you bring whole new levels of meaning to the words  “hypocrisy,” “stupidity,” and “ignorance,” all of which are words that I hold dear to my heart.

 

Thank you, Perpetuators of Stupidity, for your ongoing efforts and support of this un-noble cause!

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Kram Sheldon: Evil Mastermind, Schemer of Nefarious Deeds, and Vice-President of the Evil Warlords’ Knitting Club.

Shout-Out To Anthony Weiner

Today, I would like to send out a very special, heart-felt shout-out to (don’t say you couldn’t see this one coming…) Anthony Weiner. By perpetuating the stereotype that all politicians are sex-crazed, misogynistic dicks, and thereby distracting the news media from anything actually important to the world at large, you make it that much easier for me to CONQUER THE WORLD.

Next time, Weiner, I suggest typing with both hands to make sure you don’t pull a Jim Levenstein.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Kram Sheldon: Evil Mastermind, Schemer of Nefarious Deeds, and Vice-President of the Evil Warlords’ Knitting Club.

A Sad Day For Evil Twins Everywhere

This morning my Good Twin, Mark Sheldon, posted the following status update:

Ok. What is up with people jaywalking on DeSoto Ave IN THE MIDDLE OF RUSH HOUR? That’s two days in a row that I almost got to witness Darwinism in action.  Yesterday, a woman walked out into the middle of oncoming traffic with her two children (one about 8, the other IN A STROLLER) – NOT EVEN WHERE THERE WAS A CROSSWALK. When someone had the audacity to honk at her, she stood in the middle of the road yelling at him for scaring her baby.

I hate to have to admit it – and the fact that I am compelled to do so makes this for certain to be a sad day for Evil Twins everywhere – but I have to agree with my brother on this one.

I am sure this leaves you rather confused.  After all, death, mayhem and destruction are what I revel in.  And I also cherish the perpetuation of stupidity – after all, stupid people make my job of World Domination so much easier.

So why, you might ask, am I upset over this particular expression of stupidity? Because I don’t want LESS stupid people in the world, I want MORE.

Listen up, stupid people, DON’T KILL YOURSELVES OFF.  I depend on you to be my slaves, prisoners, and concubines once I have succeeded at TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

If all the stupid people get themselves killed, then that leaves only smart people in the world, and as we all know, smart people don’t let the villain go off ranting on a five-minute monologue of exposition explaining every minute detail of his nefarious scheme.

No, smart people use the time whilst the villain is distracted in his self-flagellating pontifications to figure out how to get out of the predicament they are in.

THIS IS BAD.  Well, Good.  You know what I mean.

So please, stupid people, please do continue breeding and perpetuating your genetic lines of stupidity – this I am all for and encourage. Please do continue banning books, television programs, and pretending that Global Warming is just a myth.  But for Pete’s sake, STOP TRYING TO GET YOURSELVES KILLED.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Kram Sheldon: Evil Mastermind, Schemer of Nefarious Deeds, and Vice-President of the Evil Warlords’ Knitting Club.

Shout-out to Twitter

Today, I would like to send a special thank you to Twitter, for encouraging illiteracy and obsessive stalking.  By teaching tweens all over the world that it’s okay to stalk celebrities and that tlkng lyk ths iz wayy kuul, you make it so much easier for me to take over the world tomorrow.  I tip my hat to you, Twitter!

Shout-out to Jacqueline Howett

I have one more Pepetuator of Stupidity shout-out to make for today. I would like to say a very special thank you to Jacqueline Howett, for perpetuating the stereotype that self-published authors are childish, whiny, unprofessional, and all-to-gether talentless fools.  By making my Good Twin’s job that much harder, you put a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling in the hollow cavity that is my heartless chest.  Good job! Keep up the good work!